Late-Night Baby Feedings Taught me Ninja Skills

ninja woman

I expected many of surprises as a result of becoming a mother. Everyone attempted to warn me about how difficult things would be as I adjusted, especially because I wouldn’t be sleeping. Yet, in terms of fatigue, I had NO IDEA what to expect. I suppose it’s hard to truly process what it means to stop sleeping until you’ve gone through it. However, it turns out that babies want to eat a lot, regardless of the hour or whether or not their parents are becoming blurry-eyed, emotional lunatics.

In the 12 weeks since our daughter was born, I’ve spent more time awake at odd hours of the night than I ever imagined possible. I’ve become an expert at navigating my house in a half-conscious stupor, preparing bottles with one hand and deftly swaddling in the dark. I’ve learned to function on so little sleep I sometimes wonder if I’ve morphed into some kind of insomniac superhuman.

Along the way, amid the utter mayhem of not sleeping, I’ve gained a few essential parenting ninja skills:

1. Night vision

I can now successfully travel across my house without opening my eyes. I’m like a Roomba, gently knocking into walls and furniture as I find my way to the nursery. I’m sometimes startled to wake up during daylight hours because I’ve grown so accustomed to functioning in darkness.

2. Acrobatic foot dexterity

Having a baby means your hands are always full. To compensate, I’ve become an ape-like master of foot control. I can pick up small items, open drawers and turn on the night light with my toes. I’ve tossed laundry into a hamper and even spread a blanket out with my feet. Could this become an Olympic event? Likely not, but it’s wildly entertaining and helpful.

3. Bionic arm strength

If someone challenged me to hold a 12-pound dumb bell in a static bicep curl for 15 hours a day, I’d laugh rudely. But then I had a baby who didn’t like to be put down, and so I held her. All day. Every day. And for a while I was physically unable to straighten my arms. Now that she’s adjusted a bit, it’s become an amazing way to work out without actually having to workout.

Read also: 5 Ways To Deal With Motherhood’s Never-Ending Work

4. Bouncy wobble walking

I don’t want to brag, but I’ve developed a pretty unique wobble walk that lulls even the most fussy of babies into a peaceful slumber. I may look like I belong on a middle school dance floor, swaying awkwardly to the melodies of Boyz II Men and K-Ci and JoJo, but believe you me this is one magic saunter. This is an especially breathtaking maneuver when partnered with # 2 (think: Elaine Benes at a company party).

5. Ruthless adaptability (also known as shameless lack of dignity)

Sleep on the floor using your baby’s hooded towel as a blanket? Sure. Trudge back to bed at 4 a.m. covered in spit up? It’s OK. Forget the last time you flossed? It happens. These seemingly disgraceful transgressions are totally acceptable — heck, they’re encouraged — while parenting an infant. Just use caution when sharing these achievements with non-parents, as the reactions are somewhat offensive.

Read also: A Parent’s Step By Step Guide To Getting Through The Squits

6. Emotional Ambivalence

I think that when you become a parent you become a bit of a crazy person. This is best demonstrated by a newfound ability to use laughing and crying interchangeably. There are actually a surprising number of situations where laughing and/or crying hysterically can be appropriate responses, like waiting in line at the post office with a crying infant, or trying to cook dinner while wearing your baby. I’m going to have to monitor this one closely as I return to work because it won’t translate well on conference calls.

I’m eager to see what additional powers I’ll acquire on this crazy road called motherhood. I wouldn’t mind returning to a normal sleep schedule one day, but until then, I’m opting to push through the haze and embrace these moments. It’s not so much looking at things through rose-colored glasses as it is genuinely special to share every possible minute with my baby. Even if it’s at 3 a.m., and even when I’m covered in baby puke.

Elena

I'm Elena, mom of two kids. My vague aim for this blog is to bring my take on medical parent life or just normal life with the odd survival tip thrown in and useful stuff for parents. And also add a hint of humor, if I'm in the right mood.

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